Battling My Demons

Interestingly, this injury process has taught me a lot about myself and how I deal with things. For a while after my last post, I thought that perhaps I should just be done with triathlon for a while. That maybe I wasn’t in it for the right reasons and that it wasn’t something I truly enjoyed anymore. But as I told myself that, I wasn’t at peace with it. I knew that wasn’t the answer to what has been going on, but I didn’t really know what was.

However, over this past week, I realized something. When I’m on the bike, or in the water, or out running, that’s where I battle my demons, for lack of a better expression. It’s where I push myself. It’s where I prove to myself that I can do the things that 2 short years ago I never dreamed possible. It’s the place that I learn if this is possible, there are lots of things that are possible with hard work and determination. And the lessons I learn out there on the blacktop or staring at the black line are lessons that I take with me throughout my days. Because of triathlon I know what it takes to reach my goals. Because of pushing myself on the run, I know that I’m stronger than I think I am. Because of the big goals I’ve accomplished I know that being brave makes a difference and it pays off.

So much #bikelove

But this ankle injury has limited the amount I can be out there. It’s limited the time I can spend battling my demons (To be clear, I obviously am just talking about the negative thoughts in my head that I know we all have and that sometimes we give a little too much credit too. I just want to be clear that I’m not talking about multiple personalities here or anything ;)). Without training I’ve allowed that little voice to creep in that says “I can’t.” I’ve given it a place to live inside my head. And the place I usually go to beat down that voice and tell it that I’m strong enough and that I can, well, it’s been taken away from me for a time.

Every year around this time, my family goes on a family vacation. And while we are there we run races. This year, I knew the half marathon I usually run wasn’t in the cards, so I signed up for a 10k. On Friday, I did the 10k. It wasn’t fast and the majority of it wasn’t spent running. It was more of a run until my ankle hurts enough that I need to walk, walk until I can run again. And so it went for 6 miles. (I feel I should put a note in here that my doctor said this is fine. With no ligaments in my ankle, there’s nothing left to injure. Pain is basically my limiter. And obviously this wouldn’t be good to do long term as arthritis is also a repercussion, but until my surgery, this is fine according to my doctor)  While I didn’t win a race, or PR, or anything even close to that, it felt amazing because for over an hour, I was able to be out there, battling my demons. I was able to prove to the voices in my head that I am strong enough to do the things that seem hard or impossible. That run silenced those voices for a day or two. 

I’m not sure exactly the point of this post except to say two things. First, I’ve realized that triathlon is a part of who I am now. It is a big part of what allows me to be strong, not just in the sport, but in my job and in my relationships. I’m not even close to being ready to give that up. So, I’ll keep fighting to get back to that place where those demons in my head—those ones that told me I wasn’t strong enough to reach my goals, those demons I listened to for far too many years—are silenced. After Ironman Florida I had spent a year battling those thoughts and those voices daily. And each day, they got a little quieter. As I checked off goal after goal, workout after workout, I knew I was stronger than I’d ever been. And so I’ll do what it takes to get back to that place.

My happy place. No, not doing water aerobics with the girls, but the outdoor pool in the summer with my training BFF!

Second, I’ve learned that I need to find a way in the next two months to battle those demons. I know it’s going to look the way it has over the past few years. But I need to find a way to prove to myself that I’m brave, capable, and strong. And so, over the next 2 weeks, that is my goal. I want to go into my surgery knowing that there is something I can do when those voices start to tell me that I’ll never get back to where I was, that Ironman was just a coincidence, and a once-in-a-lifetime thing. I don’t know if it will be lifting weights (I mean it would have to be mainly arms because I’m not sure how much you can do with your leg in a cast), hand cycling, or something else I haven’t thought of (I’m TOTALLY open to suggestions. Bring ‘em on!).

I feel like I’m on the upward swing now of a rough time for me and I can’t wait to get this surgery behind me and start getting stronger!